Did Sunday Yoga at home today. Even on my own, with all of my resistance to showing up, being on my mat is enough to remind me of my worth.
For me life is about Seva, or service: To readers, to my family, to my husband… But I often forget to show service to my own needs. To be honest… most days I don’t feel like I deserve what I want in life, I don’t feel like I deserve to be successful, to find happiness. And so I sabotage my career and what I truly want because I feel guilt when things work in my favor. I make life harder on myself.I isolate myself, I find excuses to not do activities I enjoy, I squander opportunities…but I don’t want to live like that anymore.
I fall short because I often refuse to recognize that I DO deserve what I want—as long as I’m willing to put in the work, it can be mine. Big life changes are on the horizon and it would be so easy to keep my nose down, so easy to stay where I am because I fear letting others down, of disappointing everyone around me, of ending things that aren’t working. However, even if it sounds backwards, not recognizing my own worth is what is truly selfish of me. Deciding to give into fear would be a true disservice to everyone. Giving anyone less than my best with all my heart would be the true disappointment.
I got an unexpected email last week….and another unexpected email from someone else today. God is sending me the help that I keep desperately praying for…but I first have to find the courage to respond and take it.